It’s been a few days since I last posted. I’m going to be honest, I’m only about 20 minutes in to my ten thousand hours. I’m having some seriously bad days.

I’m still on my medicine, no worries. I still have bad days on my medicine, they’re just less intense and broken up by more good days. These last few days have definitely been lower.

I’m slower, I’m lethargic, and every last inconvenience stresses me out. I can barely concentrate to type these paragraphs. I just want to numb myself with crap tv and a daily routine of coffee and alcohol. My schedule nor my budget allows for that.

Today I had to see my gynecologist for hormonal issues. Yes, hormonal issues on top of depression is likely what’s making it worse, I know. Thankfully my doctor seemed keen to solve whatever issues caused me from having zero periods in two years to having a two week heavy bleed out of nowhere. However, before I could even see the doctor, I had to deal with three kids running around, fighting, screaming, and undressing in the lobby. (If you’re in the Permian basin and want to babysit, please hit me up. I need help, y’all!) By the time they called me back, my blood pressure was up! It was stressful, but shouldn’t have affected me THAT much.

Aside from my physical issues, I have the obvious mental issues as well. I feel hopeless. I feel like I should know how to make myself feel better, and I don’t. I feel like I should know how to make my kids behave better, and I don’t. I feel like I should know a lot of things that I don’t. It makes me feel weak and on edge. It also makes me think about death, and the divine knowledge that comes with it.

I’m not suicidal or anything. It’s just a thought. I fight it. I fight every day. And I win.

I’m stronger than this, though I’ve struggled these last few days.